English Vinglish


laughing baby

મિત્રો,

આ ગુજરાતી બ્લોગ રજૂ કર્યો, ત્યારે તો અહીં સંપૂર્ણપણે ફક્ત ગુજરાતી ભાષામાં જ વાતો લખીશ એવું નક્કી કરેલું. વળી અંગ્રેજી કે અન્ય ભાષાઓના સારા લેખ કે માહિતી હશે, તો તે ગુજરાતીમાં અનુવાદ કરીને અહીં મૂકીશ તેવું વિચારેલ. પરંતુ અમૂક વાતો તો તેની મૂળ ભાષા અને મૂળ માળખામાં જ વધુ સારી લાગે છે. એટલે આ બ્લોગમાં આ એક પાનું મેં અંગ્રેજી ભાષા માટે અનામત રાખ્યું છે. ફક્ત ગુજરાતી ભાષા જ જાણતા વાચકો એટલા માટે મને માફ કરે !!

Although I had decided to present this entire blog in Gujarati language only, I changed my mind slightly, when I felt that some matters are better said in original language and format. So I have reserved this page for English language.

So let us start our journey to the humourous world. 

1) Can any one say the difference between ‘Complete’ and ‘Finished’?

No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between ‘Complete’ and ‘Finished’. People say there is no difference between ‘Complete’ and ‘Finished.However, in a linguistic conference, held in London England, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clever winner. His final challenge was this –Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.

His response was: When you marry the right woman, you are ‘Complete.’

If you marry the wrong woman, you are ‘Finished.’

And, when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are ‘Completely Finished.’ 

His answer received a five minute standing ovation.


2) How to recruit the Right person for the Job ! 

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. 

Then send 2 or 3 candidates into the room and close the door. 

Leave them alone and come back…. after 6 hours and then analyse the situation.. 

If they are counting the bricks….. Put them in the Accounts Department. 

If they are recounting them…… Put them in Auditing .. 

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks… Put them in Engineering. 

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order…  Put them in Planning. 

If they are throwing the bricks at each other…… Put them in Operations. 

If they are sleeping….. Put them in Security. 

If they have broken the bricks into pieces…… Put them in Information Technology. 

If they are sitting idle….. Put them in Human Resources. 

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved…
Put them in Sales. 

If they have already left for the day…… Put them in Marketing. 

If they are staring out of the Window…… Put them on Strategic Planning. 

And then the last but not least…. 

If they are talking to each Other…. and not a single brick has been moved. 
Then…. Congratulate them and put them in Top Management  !!! 


3) Presentation does matter …

Two Wives were chatting in office :

Wife 1: I had a fine evening, how was yours?

Wife 2 : It was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes & fell asleep in 2 minutes. How was yours?

Wife 1 : Oh mine was amazing! My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner.   After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house. It was like a fairy tale !

At the same time, their husbands were talking at work.. 

Husband 1: How was your evening?

Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate & fell asleep. What about you ?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there’s no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the bill; so I took her out for dinner which was so expensive that didn’t have money left for a cab or auto. We walked home which took an hour & when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house !!!!!!

MORAL: PRESENTATION DOES MATTER… NO MATTER WHAT THE REALITY IS !!!


4) A doctor versis a mechanic:

A mechanic while repairing the a motorcycle of a heart surgeon in his shop…said to the doctor.. “Look at this engine… I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired and put them back,  just like you”… Still why do I get such a small salary and you get huge sums for operations….! 
The doctor smiled at the mechanic and said…. “Try the same when the engine is running.” 

Classic Reply !!!

Continuation 

Revenge by the Mechanic 


The Mechanic smiled back and said: 
I can pick any dead engine and make it alive . . . . . . . But can you ??? 

Not only classic but Epic 


5) What is the meaning of Pin Drop Silence?

Following are some instances when silence could speak louder than voice.

Take 1:

Field Marshal Sam Bahadur Maneckshaw once started addressing a public meeting at Ahmedabad in English. The crowd started chanting, “Speak in Gujarati. We will hear you only if you speak in Gujarati.”

Field Marshal stopped, swept the audience with a hard stare and replied, “Friends, I have fought many a battle in my long career. I have learned Punjabi from men of the Sikh Regiment; Marathi from the Maratha Regiment; Tamil from the men of the Madras Sappers; Bengali from the men of the Bengal Sappers, Hindi from the Bihar Regiment; and even Nepali from the Gurkha Regiment. Unfortunately there was no soldier from Gujarat from whom I could have learned Gujarati….” 

The entire audience stunned and you could have heard a pin drop.

Take 2: 

Soon after getting freedom from British rule in 1947, the de-facto prime minister of India, Jawahar Lal Nehru called a meeting of senior Army Officers to select the first General of the Indian army.

Nehru proposed, “I think we should appoint a British officer as a General of The Indian Army, as we don’t have enough experience to lead the same.”

Having learned under the British, only to serve and rarely to lead, all the civilians and men in uniform present nodded their heads in agreement. However one senior officer, Nathu Singh Rathore, asked for permission to speak. Nehru was a bit taken aback by the independent streak of the officer, though, he asked him to speak freely.

Rathore said, “You see, Sir, we don’t have enough experience to lead a nation too, so shouldn’t we appoint a British person as the first Prime Minister of India?”

You could hear a pin drop. 

After a pregnant pause, Nehru asked Rathore, “Are you ready to be the first General of The Indian Army?”

Rathore declined the offer saying “Sir, we have a very talented army officer, my senior, Lt. Gen. Cariappa, who is the most deserving among us.”

This is how the brilliant Gen. Cariappa became the first General and Rathore the first ever Lt. General of the Indian Army.


 

આના પછીનો લેખ “હાસ્યગીત અને શાયરી” વાંચવા માટે અહીં ક્લિક કરો. 
આના પછીનો લેખ “પૌરાણિક પ્રસંગો – તીરછી નજરે” વાંચવા માટે અહીં ક્લિક કરો. 
એક ચોખવટ જરૂરી છે. આ જોક્સ અને વ્યંગ વાર્તાઓ મારા લખેલ નથી. ઈન્ટરનેટ, ફેસબુક અને વોટ્સ એપ પર વાંચેલી પોસ્ટમાંથી મારી પસંદગીની પોસ્ટ અહીં રજુ કરી છે. તે તમામ નામી-અનામી મૂળ લેખકોનો હું આભાર માનું છું.

આ રમુજો કેવી લાગી તે “મારો અભિપ્રાય” કોલમમાં જણાવવા વિનંતી છે.

– સુરેશ ત્રિવેદી 

 

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